Girl farts, lights her ass on fire.
Get the Flash Player to see this content.
Capt. K farted this one along.
ADVERTISEMENT
Memos Tagged Farts
May52010
The one product to save your relationship.
Is your relationship in shambles?
Women, do you hate waking up to a 8.3 magnitude fart coming out of your husbands ass? Men do you hate how your wife is constantly nagging you because you are decimating her with your farts while you sleep? Well, worry no more. Your relationship is saved.
Introducing the Better Marriage Blanket.
Get the Flash Player to see this content.
My one question is…what happens when the blanket gets ripped? Does a mushroom cloud of fart gas come out and everyone dies? I suppose we will find out soon enough.
Mar42010
Airplane Farts
If you’re reading this blog I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’ve been on an airplane before. Airplanes are great. They can move you around the country/world quickly, they force you to meet new people so you can improve your social skills, and they provide you with an opportunity to join the Mile High Club. The one big thing about airplanes that stinks are airplane farts (no pun intended).
Airplane farts are what they sound like: its when a passenger or flight attendant farts on an airplane. Farting on an airplane is worse than farting anywhere else because the air in the cabin is trapped until the plane is depressurized. Basically, if you fart on a plane it can stick with the plane and its inhabitants until you land which may be anywhere from 1 to 16 hours depending on where you’re going.
The worst thing about an airplane fart is that you have no idea where it comes from. It could come from the smelly, fat guy sitting next to you who’s molesting your arm chairs while he’s waiting for his order of double soda or the sweet little old lady on the other side of you who’s knitting. Like an Agatha Christy novel, everyone’s a suspect.
I’m talking about airplane farts today because just this past week someone laid the mother of all farts on the ride home through Chicago. It was silent, it was unprovoked, and it made people gag. Imagine this, you’re sitting back, listening to some Pearl Jam on your iPod, daydreaming, loving life as much as you can until, BAMMM, all you smell is a fart. You can’t escape it. You can’t do anything to make the situation better. You just have to sit there and take it. When I left the plane, I swear I smelled just like a fart and considered using the Chris Farley method to clean myself up.
There’s been a movement of foot though recently to cut down on airplane farters, smelly passengers, and fat people on planes. Soon only a privileged few of us will be able to ride in comfort and soon Captain Flintheart will have to make other accommodations to travel.
So the next time you’re on an airplane and have to fart, think about the other people who’s trip you will make a living hell and try to squeeze one out in the bathroom. Then you can be part of the Mile High Poop Club instead of ruining other people’s lives.
Oct232009
Top 10 Humans With Animal Nicknames
And you all thought our Meetings of the Minds was just to get wasted and perform nonsense, but we actually did work son. We came up with several topics to cover over the upcoming weeks, and this was one of them.
People have all sorts of nicknames, such as Charlie “The Little Tramp” Chaplin, General “Stormin” Norman Schwarzkopf and who could always forget John Wayne “The Killer Clown” Gacy. I know I can’t. Anyways, we are here today to honor those who have animal nicknames. It takes a special person to possess an animal nickname and the following 10 people are no exception. So without further adieu, I present the Top 10 Humans With Animal Nicknames:
*Disclaimer – I honestly don’t know why a majority of these guys got their nicknames, so there is a 94.2% chance I will be completely inaccurate on their nickname origin which in turn automatically makes most of these peoples nicknames directly related to pooping and/or farting. Prepare to become stupider than you already are after reading this.
10 – Eldrick “Tiger” Woods
The infamous Tiger Woods. No wonder why he goes by the name Tiger. What the fuck kind of name is Eldrick? I think he made a wise choice using a nickname on the complete opposite spectrum to his true name. Eldrick = queer, Tiger = no so queer. The story of how he got his nickname was when he was younger and took a swing of the golf club, he farted and it sounded like a tiger…hence Tiger Woods. If that was me that farted, my nickname would have been Captain “Sasquatch Having an Orgasm” Yar.
Oct212009
What’s wrong with being nude?
Let’s preface this post with the fact that I am a mid-twenty year old male who thinks poop and farts are funny, likes porn, and is pretty content with being naked at home. Surprising? It shouldn’t be. I am basically your typical twenty year old man.
I’m actually naked while writing this post. No lie. Having no roommates has it’s advantages. What kind of advantages? Well for starters, I don’t have to use doors really. No need for privacy accept the one that separates me from the outside world. I can do my morning routine, i.e. shit, shower, shave, breakfast, etc. in the nude (sort of straightforward). I use less laundry than others, etc. etc. etc.
Others share the same views. I remember Captain Kirk telling me how happy he is to take a dump with the door open and not have to suffocate from his fumes.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being nude, but I’m not going to go join a nudist colony. Some of those people really do need to wear some clothes. Let’s save that for another post down the line.
Why am I sharing this with you? Well, I watched this clip today at work and basically found another guy in the world that is apparently just like me – except for the fact that he may be going to jail now for a year for being naked in his own house!
Apparently some woman and her 7 year old son were walking around and saw this guy naked in his kitchen at 5:30 AM. She reported this to the police and they arrested him on lewd behavior and indecent exposure. The guys response? “I just got up and put on a pot of coffee.”
Wow. It seems like we have a real son-of-a-bitch here on our hands. Really lady? You and your 7 year old were walking around at 5:30 AM, when a good majority of people are sleeping or just starting to get up for the day, look over and see a guy making coffee and decide to report him? What the fuck?
If someone tried to report my naked ass for lewd behavior while looking in my own house I’d ask them what the fuck they were doing! Isn’t that trespassing? Doesn’t this guy have rights on the property that he owns? It’d be one thing if he was putting on a show on the porch at 8 AM, but when he’s making coffee at 5:30 in the morning? I’m puzzled. What’s happening to the world when people can’t stroll naked in their own home without being reported for indecent exposure?
I’m hoping this guy beats the rap here or else my lifestyle is in jeopardy. Time to close the blinds.
Jul212009
Read this book!
Here at TCM we are big supporters of the arts and one of those arts is reading. No, we don’t want you to run out and buy the War and Peace written by some half-crazed Russian nor will we force you to read the Harry Potter series, but we will try to point out must read’s when we come across them form time to time.
For starters, here’s a book that will make you laugh, cry, and shit your pants all at the same time. I’m talking about none other than I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max.
The book knocked me on my ass when reading it. It’s written by a guy that is a self proclaimed asshole whose slept with more women than Charlie Sheen, puked more times than a fat kid at Chuck E Cheese, and has been legally drunk for the past 12 years.
This book is a must for any young gent whose trying to find his way in the world and looking to make some stories in the process. On the flip side, this book is a good read for any young women who is into self help books for dating – this will more or less tell you what men are thinking at any given moment.
Jun232009
Candles are no longer just for women and pussies
Like the smell of a camp fire breakfast? Or how about the scent of a freshly oiled supermodel? That’s right boys, Mandle Company has made candles specifically designed for men. No longer will you have to deal with the pussy ass scent of Baby Powder or Cherry Lemonade. Mandle Co. has given us men smells like Rawhide and Freshly Tapped Keg. I don’t know about you but I think this is a fan-fuckin-tastic idea.
Hell if the Burrito Fart scent alone doesn’t sell you, then you don’t deserve a Mandle.
Get the Flash Player to see this content.
FYI, eating the space brownie candle DOES NOT have the same effect.
And remember folks, Mandles are always made with 1% wax, 99% testosterone.
-
Search
-
Follow Us
-
The Captains
-
Featured Memos
-
Our Mates
