About a year ago the Captain’s provided some “older-brother” advice to graduating high school seniors. We explained why getting wasted is a great thing, why befriending as many people of the opposite sex works to your advantage, and of course, the eminent drug culture of collegetown America. Not everyone took our advice and hey, that’s fine. You’ll thank or hate us about five years from now when you’re married at 23.
We thought that given the current economic climate of the good old U.S. or A that it’s appropriate to provide some advice to graduating college students. Well, here it is – Advice to Graduating Seniors – the College Edition:
Don’t move home: Don’t do it. Find somewhere else to live. Live in the basement of an old lady with crazy cats. Become the guy on the couch. Just don’t go home. You’ll be sucked back into home life and you’ll never go anywhere you spoke of when you were wasted out of your mind in college talking with friends about your future successful life. If you do move back, you’ll end up being that 30-year old guy at the bar that reminisces about college to people he’s never met while his parent’s text him about what he wants for dinner tomorrow.
Need need to talk about school 24/7: When you land your first job, you don’t have to refer to college for every reference you make. We get it. You went there, you had a good time, you partied, you probably (hopefully) got laid, but we just don’t give a shit. Talk about something people care about instead – like the weather.
Look up old acquiantences from high school: Like we prophicized in our high school edition, the opposite sex will now give you the time of day because you’re “interesting” or “have direction” since you have a degree. Go with it bucko. This is the only time you can refer to college consistently because you’ll seem cooler than you are and the person you’re making an attempt on has no idea of what you did in college.
“Booty Trips”: Take one. Had a crush on a girl in Bio and she moved somewhere good? Develop a Facebook relationship and go out for a visit. Good chances you’ll score, do something cool that weekend, and have options on the table. Life’s all about options – anyone who tells you differently is full of shit.
Do something cool while the world seems “big”: Go to Europe or Australia, follow a favorite band, or tour the U.S. Do it while you have time and know how to live when being near broke. If you don’t, you’ll end up decreasing your world view and end up watching repeats of Deadliest Catch on a Friday night in your sweats very, very soon. Can’t afford to so something “big”? Gather the troops and go somewhere to dominate. Believe it or not, but places like Binghamton and Buffalo can be a lot of fun when you have a solid crew if you make it as big as you can.
Remember the three strikes rule with drinking: Sure, you had a great time in college partying. You did keg stands, played pong, asshole, and any other game that came your way. Once you’re out in the real world, you can have three big drinking incidents. For example, if you’re new to your company, go to the Christmas party and almost form tackle the President’s wife while she’s going down the stairs, we’d consider that an incident. Three of those total and you’re no longer an awesome partier, you need help – and possibly a new job.
Get your finances in check: We know you lived off of Ramen and EZ Mac forever because it was cheap and awesome, but you need to step it up a bit. Figure out how to budget your incoming loot so you can live respectably. Also, don’t blow all your money on a cool car. You’ll look like an idiot. Remember what Farva would do with a $1,000,000 in Super Troopers? Yeah, he was really cool in that movie.
Try to understand older people: No matter what you just did, someone has already done it. Believe me. Presidents, Governors, Mayors, Doctors, Lawyers, Actors, you name it, have admited smoking pot, snorting coke, being in threeways, having their salads tossed, crossdressing, and killing someone. No matter what you just did, someone did it and probably did it better. This is why older people can give a shit for your stories. Try to understand what they talk about on a frequent basis and you’ll go far. It’ll help with the next and last piece of advice – productivity.
Be a productive member of society: You got some kind of degree right? Use it! Even if it’s an art degree, go manage a McDonald’s somewhere. Do something productive and give back to society. Productivity is defined as anything that provides perceived value. If you’re great at smoking chiba, make bongs! Just be productive – you’ll find a way to make a living if you can be productive.
We can go on, but this is getting borderline preachy. Just don’t be too big of an idiot, realize other people had fun in college and don’t want to hear your stories, and understand you’re exempt of doing a bunch of shit you used to be able to do and get away with it, i.e. stealing street signs.
Best of luck class of 2010. Don’t end up in jail, but if you do don’t talk about college – someone will dominate you in the worst of ways.
