I don’t think it is a surprise that Snooki has the most quotes on this list.
#10 – Snooki
“I got kicked out of Chili’s last time I was here. I had too many of these, and I got up on the bar and knocked over all the bottles of Chili’s liquor. They kicked me out for two days, until they realized who I was and brought me back. It was Sunday Funday. Where you say, ‘It’s Sunday, I’m going to get drunk.’ Is today Sunday?”
Hey, I didn’t come up with that phrase, the box for Snooki’s blow-up doll did.
That’s right all you douchebags, Snooki has her very own blow-up sex doll. She of course didn’t license it because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have allowed this very accurate description on the back of the box:
Meet Guidette, the filthy lil’ pot-belly pig who loves balls on her chin more than the all you can eat buffet! When this pudgy porker ain’t tanning or stuffing her face, she’s busy blowin’ every guido on the boardwalk with a tan and a tank top.
Just add air and this little slut is the life of any party–be careful though, she’s a real knockout when she gets drunk! What are you waiting for yo, give her your friggin’ sauseege already kid!
Pretty spot on though I have to say. Shit, I have to get a job at the place that comes up with these descriptions!
Buy Now and you can in no time, “Fill Her 3 Greasy Gravy Holes!”
MTV has gone and released several photos of our favorite reality TV crew when they were 17 years old or so.
Take this ever so awesome photo of our good friend, Mike “The Situation”.
In case you were wondering, “The Situation” is in the middle with the white turtle neck. You will undoubtedly notice his douchey siblings flanking him to the left and right. We will just go and say that his brother in blue to the left is gay and leave it at that. As for “The Situation” himself, I’m pretty sure this photo says it all. We will also ignore his sister too. Let’s focus on his brother to the right, the douchebag in the gray turtleneck.
Firstly I’d like to point out that if you have tits and are a guy, don’t wear a tight ass turtleneck. No fuck that, if you are a guy, you should not be wearing any sort of turtleneck. He kind of looks like a gay retarded version of Lou Ferrigno. A gay retarded version that isn’t deaf but is retarded. You then go and wonder where “The Situation” got the idea to take steroids. Hmm, well by looking at Man Tits 5000 to the right, I’d say he gave him the idea. Good job brother, you helped bring another douchebag into this already douchebag ridden world. This just proves that God hates us all.
Ok folks, get out your hair gel, cocaine and hand guns, the Jersey Shore season 2 premiers tomorrow night. Fuck you MTV.
It’s summertime, baby! Bangin’ beats, hot bodies, icy cold brews and boardwalk bashes. Only the hottest can handle the heat. And this new Summer Share is looking for some new roommates.
If that doesn’t pump you up enough to sign up for Jersey Shore, then I’m not totally sure what is. I can hear Flintheart’s fist pumping the floor as I write this.
Mind you though, there are several stipulations when filling out this casting call application:
That’s fo real. If you think you got what it takes to be a douche, or already are a douche, or want to be a douche, then sign up you douche.
Unlike Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and Diet Dr. Pepper, Punxsutawney Phil is real. He is a groundhog that lives in a tree stump but on every February 2nd of each year, he is yanked out of his stump like a homeless man yanking out his peener on a bus…with extreme force. If you didn’t already know, this morning in Gobbler’s Knob, PA (more on that name later), Mr. Phil saw his shadow this morning. So what does that mean for us? That winter will last another 6 weeks. Fuck you Phil.
Is it a shock to you all that Punxsutawney Phil isn’t the only animal that declares our winters longer or shorter. We live in America…weren’t we built off trying to be better than the last guy or in this case groundhogs? This certainly applies to weather forecasting rodents. Here is a list of some of the animals, including Phil, that are America’s most famous weatheranimals for a day.
Sir Walter Wally – Raleigh, North Carolina
Sir Walter Wally out of Raleigh was actually born in Easington Colliery, England. He saw no opportunity in England as a groundhog’s day groundhog because the weather is constantly shitty there and will never see his shadow. So he got his furry little ass on a plane to the states and wound up in Raleigh, NC. Why Raleigh? From what I hear UNC has a lot of hot chicks.
TCM has already exposed to you the depths and truth of what is really going on at MTV’s Jersey Shore. We’ve also shown you what Michael Cera is like on drugs. Now strangely enough, we can show you both…together…kind of.
Somehow this actually happened. The cast of Jersey Shore and Michael Cera all hung out one day at MTV studios and gave him tips on how to act and look like Guido. They didn’t seem to understand his sarcasm, turning this video into a strange and awkward classic.
Aren’t you surprised we haven’t wrote about quite possibly the greatest show of 2009 the decade yet? Me too.
Yes folks, MTV has come at us again with another piece of quality programming. In case you forgot, this is the network that introduced us to the fun-loving Spencer “McDouche” Pratt and Heidi “Cuntbag” Montag. So you knew it was only a matter of time before someone new was to take the spotlight. Well folks, MTV has done themselves in with this one. The Jersey Shore. Not only did they make the new greatest show on TV, every single one of the characters on that show is in their own right, a superstar. Well, in case your living inside an elephants asshole, here is a clip of this masterpiece.
After a 6 hour meeting with the fellow captains, the main topic being The Jersey Shore, we have come to the conclusion that all those people on the show aren’t who they really are. Sure they do a damn good job of being douchebags and douchebitches but we believe that they are all putting on a fake persona just to “fit in” with everyone at Douchebag Beach. Now, don’t be upset…we wouldn’t want you to think we don’t like this show because believe me we do. We have gotten just as many laughs out of this show as Flintheart’s girlfriend did the first time she saw him naked. A lot. What we are going to do for you today is briefly tell you what each one of the stars of Jersey Shore does in real life.
Without further adieu, The Captain’s Memos presents, Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story.
Angelina
