Owning a bong is a lot like adopting a child. It originally isn’t yours but you see it, fall in love with it, buy it, name it, and smoke out of it. With occasional cleaning depending on how much of a lazy ass you are. We here at TCM believe there are 3 steps to officially making a bong your “child”. Well, technically 4, but we will only do 3 for this article. Potheads, read and learn.

What
So your in the market for a bong. What a better place to shop than your local head shop? I’ll let you in on a secret. If you find a “bong” in the dumpster of an alley way there is a good chance that it wasn’t used for smoking weed. I’ll just leave it at that.

So you enter the head shop and see the array of bongs they have on display. The question that comes into mind is what type of bong are you looking for? If you are a normal pothead, then something like this will probably suffice. If you are a generous person, then a hookah will do you good. Or if you are a ballin’ ass, then splurge on this.

For the sake of this post, we will just say you went and bought a normal bong. After your purchase, you rush home with your new baby and prepare it for it’s new home.

Why
Why buy a bong? Why name it after you buy it? Why not just get some papers and roll your smoke up? Those are questions that idiots ask. So don’t answer them, I’ll do it for you.

You bought your bong because it is fun to smoke out of it, it adds some change into your normal boring ass life. You name it because it’s fun to name things like boats, dogs and your penis. As for smoking out of papers, that was probably the original reason to went to the head shop in the first place. A combination of the massive collection of beautiful bongs there and you being high as shit is what made you buy the bong. I’ve always said that weed is the devil on your shoulders telling you to do something that when sober, you normally wouldn’t. Like eat the dog shit off the floor because it looks like a mushed up brownie *cough* Captain Polish *cough*.

Anyways I am going to focus on the naming part of the whole bong experience. Here is a tip to naming your bong: Be creative. No one wants to ask you, “Hey what’s your bong’s name?” and you respond, “Smokey.” Real original you ass. Your bong is now a part of your life, so name it with care. A single name is ok, a first and last name is desired, a first, middle and last is good if you can remember it. Now, I prefer to use the 2nd option, using a first and last name. You can go nuts on this one. Again, I prefer to use a proper name when naming a bong. It gives it more of a character and personality than just naming it, “Killer”. Come on you reject, you can do better than that.

Who
Now that you know that you are going to name your bong, who do you name it after? Or do you make up a name for yourself? Well in case you have “name block” here are some suggestions:

Benjamin Disraeli
Herbert Gutierrez
Maximilian Faust
Terry Bolea
Commander Flex Plexico
Guts the Black Swordsman
Stump Chunkman
Roll Fizzlebeef
Craig T. Nelson

We could go on, but if you so happen to get a new bong on this joyous day of smoking weed, name it something creative and not dumb. It has to live with it for the rest of it’s days…or before you break it to scrape the resin out.