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Memos Tagged Money


Stupid Stuff
Oct282011

How much would someone pay you to have sex with Sarah Palin?

This website was a little more “polite” about asking that question. It was more along the lines of “How much would someone pay you to vote for Sarah Palin?”. I thought that question was stupid so I asked myself how much would someone pay me to have sex with Sarah Palin. After a few minutes of contemplating I said nothing. I would do it for free with a huge grin on my face. Just picture that.

palin How much would someone pay you to have sex with Sarah Palin?

That’s pretty much all this website is. It asks you questions like, “How much would someone have to pay you to eat dog crap?” Naturally Captain Flintheart answered .76¢. I’m honestly surprised, I thought he would have said less. Another fun one is, “How much would someone have to pay you to spend 24 hours with Charlie Sheen?” Unfortunately you can only answer in dollars and not pints of Tiger Blood. Oh well, I’d pay a few bucks to be able to hang out with someone who in his mind, is constantly winning. Wouldn’t you? Oh yea, you already do by reading TCM.

So, head on over to the site where the median price that people said they would have sex with Snooki is $17k. That to me is shockingly low.


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News
Jul262010

You know times are tough when…

Darth Vader has to resort to robbing a bank.

vader You know times are tough when…

He showed up without his storm troopers at a Long Island bank but was armed with a semi-automatic pistol. Apparently a light saber wouldn’t have done the trick.


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Issues
May272010

Where The Hell Is My Tax Return?

Taxes Where The Hell Is My Tax Return?

Fucking taxes man. Like a good citizen of the United States I got my Federal Taxes done right away and filed them in the first week of March (unfortunately I did not qualify for a mustache tax break). After I began seeing a shitload of people who filed after me get their sweet return checks I began to wonder what was going on. I went through the IRS website where if you put your information in it will tell you when your refund checks would be mailed back. Mine said that they had recieved and I should get it no later than April 30th.

Well, I did get a letter right around than telling me like a dumb ass I had forgotten to include my W-2 form, so I would have to mail that in for proof of my wages. It’s been another 30 days and I haven’t heard back from them yet. I want my money, dammit.

What I don’t understand though is that if I gave them so much personal information why wouldn’t they just contact me by phone, e-mail or letter and let me know I forgot something and i’d be able to get it back to them before tax season ended. So yea, thanks for screwing me. This is just like the hotel situation all over again.


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Entertainment
May52010

Forbes’ Fifteen Richest Fictional Characters

Have you ever wanted to sock punk ass kid, Richie Rich right in the jaw? If you have, your not alone…chances are you spent time in Captain Yar’s anger management class as well. Forbes magazine updated it’s list of the Fifteen Richest Fictional Characters (in any media). We are glad to see perennial and Flintheart favorites Scrooge McDuck and C. Montgomery Burns have both made the list. Fuck man, anyone who has his own goddamn money bin that he swims around in deserves to make the list.

TCM salutes you all, you miserly bastards!

0212 scrooge mcduck 485x340 Forbes Fifteen Richest Fictional Characters

0212 charles montgomery burns 485x340 Forbes Fifteen Richest Fictional Characters

Big thanks to Doug for making this happen.


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Man Moments
Apr92010

Epic Words To Live By

Money Epic Words To Live By

Thanks to Stan for educating the Captains.


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Baseball, Sports
Apr72010

Your Annual Baseball Salaries

baseball money1 Your Annual Baseball Salaries

Both team and individual player salaries, as published by USA Today. I always peruse this for entirely too long (3 hours), seeking information that I will NEVER, ever need in my daily life.  Especially since strippers don’t usually enjoy baseball.

A couple of bullet points, cause everyone knows bullet points are fucking serious to Warbucks.

  • The Yankees starting infield is making $85 million in 2010, more than 17 teams, and more than San Diego and Pittsburgh combined.
  • Barry Zito is the 15th highest paid player in the league. So good job, San Francisco!
  • Does the average baseball fan know who Hiroki Kuroda is? Well, he’s the 25th highest paid player in the league!
  • The explosion of salaries is evident through the 2000′s. The Yankees, still at that time the highest spending team in the league, topped the list at $92 million.
  • The last season in which the Yankees didn’t top the charts was in 1998, when they only spent $63 million.
  • Three of the top five teams in terms of salary didn’t make the playoffs in 2009 (Detroit Tigers, New York Mets, Chicago Cubs).


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Issues, Video
Mar182010

Yoko Uses John Lennon To Sell Cars

Yoko’s really done it this time. I already hate the fact that when I turn on the TV and see a Target commercial with douchey Jonas Brothers look-alikes singing “All You Need Is Love” but at least that was because Michael Jackson was a fucktard (and business genius) and bought up the rights to about half the Beatles song catalog, so I can’t actually blame the Beatles for doing it.

Now a french car company has been granted right’s courtesy of beast master Yoko Ono herself to use a John Lennon interview snippet to sell cars. Her excuse, courtesy of son Sean Lennon, is as follows: “She did not do it for money.  It has to do [with] hoping to keep dad in public consciousness. No new LPs, so TV ad is exposure to young.” Funny, I always thought Sean lived in New York not outer fucking space. I wonder if he’s every heard of the Beatles? Or perhaps the fact that their is now a video game called Beatles: Rock Band.

Well whatever the reason, take a look for yourself.

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

You can read more about it over here.


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Holiday
Apr122009

What to do with those plastic eggs

So, I assume you all woke up this morning to find a basket with some candy, some Advil for that hangover and a bunch of plastic eggs. And what is in those eggs? Well if your anything like me, mostly likely you would have gotten some dollar bills. Now I know what you are thinking…are you going to tell us what to do with those eggs and money? You bet your fat ass I am.

eastereggs What to do with those plastic eggs

Now what all of us at TCM are going to do first thing tomorrow morning (with the exception of Captain Kirk…he doesn’t believe in the Easter bunny so his eggs were filled with doo doo) is march right on down to the local strip joint, plastic eggs in hand. Little known fact: Monday mornings, the strip clubs put on their best performers cause if you are showing up then, you are fucking dedicated. We all sit front row and break out our eggs and start sticking those dollar bills in the most inappropriate places, sometimes not even taking the money out of the eggs. I bet you that is the first thing Jesus did waking up this morning.

So, that answers your question. What would Jesus do? He would head right down to the ol’ strip joint. Unless you are Raptor Jesus, he probably would have eaten the strippers.


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