This fall, after years of studying the same boring shit, I finally reached the rank of “doctor”. Accordingly I decided that since I was now better than everyone else I used to work I decided that it was a good time to find a new job. While this new job came with several perks including a small increase in pay and a minute amount of feigned respect, it unfortunately came with changes to the working environment including an entirely new shitting situation. At the old job I had a relatively private bathroom used only by the few members of my work group and an enormous man named Stu who came once a day, every day around 11:00AM to destroy the bathroom. With this situation everybody was able to have their own private sessions and the unwritten rules of defecation were strictly adhered too. Now, I assumed that these rules were universal, but much to my surprise when I started at my new job site I learned very quickly that this was not the case. So here, in the hopes that maybe someone that I work with will read this rant, I am going to formally describe to you several rules which should be followed in almost all public bathrooms, except in case of emergency (Re: about to shit one’s pants). There are however a few notable exceptions. These include massive public locations such as ballparks, arenas and malls. Additionally these rules are not intended for use by women. I have no idea what the fuck goes on in women’s bathrooms. They have extra doors, sanitary napkin dispensers, clean counters, douche receptacles and usually smell like a combination of potpourri and woman shit. With those exceptions if you find yourself in violation of any of these rules you ought to reconsider just who the fuck you think you are and change your defecation procedure.

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