Memos Tagged ‘Present Day Pirates’


Pirates
Jun252009

The absolute greatest vacation package in the history of ever.

Ever have the urge to kill? Ever have the urge to kill Somalian pirates? Well worry no more! Your dreams have just come true. Luxury ocean liners in Russia are offering pirate hunting cruises aboard armed private yachts off the Somali coast.

jollyroger The absolute greatest vacation package in the history of ever.

You heard it correctly. If you have enough money, you can board one of these beautiful yachts armed to the friggen teeth. For a few bucks extra, you can get an AK-47 for yourself to reign hell down on the skinny’s. This yacht–which cruises close to the Somalian coast to attract pirates–when attacked will retaliate with heavy machine gun fire, grenades and rocket launchers….o yea, and a team of ex-special forces.

You must be asking yourself though…I thought TCM was pro-pirate. Yes indeed we are. But come on, if you did not want to do this then you must be a full blown retard.

I think TCM has found where we are taking our office this year. Beat that Oprah, you whore.

Start packing your bullet-proof vests mother fuckers.

Captain Yar   |    No Comments Yet, Be The First »

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News
Apr292009

Screw Swords!

Want to fight off pirates? Well apparently you don’t need swords to thwart them off anymore…just use a deck chair. Some bloke on a British cruise ship was sitting, drinking a Pina Colada on the deck when he heard automatic gun fire from off the starboard bow. He went over to see and saw a bunch of, you guessed it, Somalian pirates trying to board the ship. So what did this 62 year old Welshman do to stop them? He threw the closest thing near him at the pirates, which happened to be a deck chair. Lucky for his wife she was on the other side of the chair otherwise she would have went over.

2 21 042609 melody 450 Screw Swords!

After a successful throw, the geezer alerted the captain who out maneuvered the pirates and got away. They are now considering this man a hero. Good for him I say. Next thing you know people are going to be throwing deck chairs at all criminals.

My question is though, if all these pirate attacks are happening off the coast of Somalia, then what the fuck was that cruise ship filled with old timers doing there in the first place?

The Real Action Pirate Hero.

Captain Yar   |    No Comments Yet, Be The First »




News, Pirates
Apr142009

Those damn pirates!

somalipirates Those damn pirates!Those damn pirates strike again! Apparently the other day after 3 Somalian pirates were killed by US Navy SEALs to rescue the hijacked captain, they thought it would be an awesome idea to hijack 3 more ships! Those little pirates are resilient mother fuckers. I say little because they are believed to be between the ages of 17 and 19 years old. Wow, barely legal teenagers with heavy weapons…scary ain’t it? Sounds like the hottest new porno out on the market.

The story that is real.

Captain Yar   |    No Comments Yet, Be The First »

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News
Apr102009

This is just turning out more and more like the Life Aquatic

I would like to put side by side a checklist of what has happened in the Indian Ocean the past day and what has happened in the Life Aquatic. Mind you there are some differences, but ultimately the same…

Real Life

  1. Pirates board American flagged ship and hold crew hostage
  2. Things are taken from the ship as plunder
  3. American’s on board attack pirates and re-take ship
  4. Pirates are thwarted from ship with a hostage.
  5. American’s gather up a rescue plan to save hostage.

Well, up until this point things were the same. The main difference here is that this guy still has yet to be rescued. I would also like to point out also that he is in the middle of the ocean because his dumbass capters ran out of gas. He also tried to escape but that failed. So hopefully like Life Aquatic, an awesome shootout ensues and he gets rescued.

Life Aquatic

  1. Pirates board the Belafonte taking the crew hostage
  2. Things are taken from the ship as plunder
  3. Zissou attack’s pirates and re-takes ship
  4. Pirates are thwarted from ship with a hostage.
  5. Zissou and crew gather up a rescue plan to save hostage.
  6. Zissou and crew come to island where hostage is held.
  7. Amazing shootout ensue’s and Zissou saves the hostage.


True story.

Captain Yar   |    1 Comment »

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Pirates
Mar142009

Present Day Pirates – Part II

Yes. Although Pirate Week has officially come to a close, this Captain has one more yarn to tell. It’s about the real present day pirates. If you don’t believe it, read more here or here.

That’s right kiddies, piracy is alive and well in the world. These might not be the pirates that set out on plundering Spanish ships for gold dabloons, but these piracoons are gallantly working with their mates to cause havoc throughout the world.

art merrypirates Present Day Pirates Part II

TCM, and especially this Captain, understand a lot about the mind of a pirate. If you ever encounter one, here are a few suggestions: Read More »

Captain Polish   |    No Comments Yet, Be The First »




Pirates
Mar112009

Present Day Pirates – Part I

Pirates are all over the place still to this day. While there has been a recent surge in pirating in the Indian Ocean, there is still acts of piracy going on right underneath our noses. Take for example a female pirate that struck it rich by scheming out her ex-husband millions. Don’t know who were talking about? It’s none other than Heather Mills McCartney.

Why is she a pirate you ask? Well, she did screw her ex-husband and ex-Beatle Paul McCartney out of millions in divorce settlements. Now I know what you’re saying…”she isn’t the first to do that and won’t be the last.” This is true, but there’s one distinguishing feature Pirate Mills McCartney has that most damsels lack – a peg leg.

more peg legs than you could shake a peg leg at Present Day Pirates Part I

Pirate Mills McCartney is seen here with a collection of peg legs looking to enhance her booty by selling them on the black market. A Pirate such as Mills would be able to collect a lot of booty from the fellows in Tortuga on such purchases.

If you’re wondering why she has a peg leg to begin with, she lost it while raviging towns along the coastline in Africa. She’s a trooper though; peg leg and all she’s back into piracy in full force by making millions suffer watching her dance moves on FOX. The peg leg was not sturdy enough to support her through the entire contest, but like a drunken sea wench, she danced her dance of seductiveness until the crowds bellies gave way.

The Captains salute thee, Heather Mills McCartney. A peg leg, plundering of a loved ones booty, and widespread suffering has made you a Present Day Pirate.

Captain Polish   |    1 Comment »

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