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Memos Tagged Pube Face


Football, Issues, Sports
Apr142010

Ben Roethlisberger is an idiot

f90ed3b3c178c3cb7fa03f087d19b94f Ben Roethlisberger is an idiot

And this is what I would say to him if I were NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell:

“Whatever it is you’re doing, knock it the fuck off. You’re one of the biggest stars of the NFL, you’ve won 2 super bowls for a team that values its history more so than its wins. But, this is twice now. Two separate women have come forth and accused you of raping them. Now, I’m not here to deem you guilty or innocent, right, or wrong and since you haven’t even been charged, I’m not even sure I can suspend you. But what I can tell you is this: you have got to stop putting yourself into these situations.  You have to carry yourself like a consummate professional, knowing that at any minute the media can swoop in and take this story, or any story, that casts the NFL and one of its players in a negative light to a level of unforeseen consequences. Not only for you, but  for your career, for my office and for the NFL. I will not stand idly by and let you handle yourself carelessly enough that results in a 20 year old student in a college bar accusing you of rape. You need to avoid this shit, and you need to do it now. You’re a 28 year old grown man. Act like it. You are an extension of this league and are the face of a multi-billion dollar product.  I do not want to see you back in my office for a LONG fucking time.”

I don’t think this saga is over. My initial reaction to the first accusation was “this bitch is fucking crazy” and I was right on that. Andrea McNulty was a complete fucking whack job.

After this college girl accused him of rape as well, the only thing I was sure of was “this is number two”. Did the media possibly blow this up? Yes. But is this the SECOND chick to allegedly be raped by Roethlisberger? Yup.

For all his on-field talent, we can honestly presume that off the field, Ben Roethlesberger isn’t the most intelligent person in the world. In the summer of 2006, Roethlisberger crashed his illegally driven (no license) motorcycle, without  a helmet on. He got fucked up. He smacked his head on the windshield of a car, and suffered fractures to the jaw and right sinus cavity as well as a nine-inch laceration to the back of the head, the loss of two teeth, and several chipped teeth. This is not something a franchise quarterback does. This is not something someone intelligent does.

Roethlisberger has his head up his ass. Also, his facial hair sucks.


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Facial Hair, Movies
Feb252010

Leonardo DiCaprio’s Inability To Grow Facial Hair

Leonardo DiCaprio is one of the biggest Cinderella stories of our generation. From his humble beginnings on Growing Pains to his universally hated by all men role in Titanic. DiCaprio grew up and began to show off his formidable acting skills, making his presence known in the epic Scorsese film, The Departed. There is still one thing that has always bothered me about him, his inability to grow facial hair.

Facial hair is something we take very serious here at TCM. DiCaprio has been struggling with this his entire adult career. Never has it been more glaring than in the movie, Gangs Of New York. The movie takes place in the 1860′s when Civil War era facial hair was all the rage. It’s as if Scorsese gave everyone in the cast a month to grow out the most badass facial hair they could muster.  DiCaprio along side Daniel Day-Lewis looks down right embarrassing.

dicaprio Leonardo DiCaprios Inability To Grow Facial Hair

Things haven’t gone much better for Leo. Take The Departed for instance:

Dicaprio2 Leonardo DiCaprios Inability To Grow Facial Hair

With Shutter Island just being released, many people have been wondering if he has finally reached the age appropriateness to finally grow the proper facial hair that is required for a man.  While I can tell you that the movie is in fact excellent (and not at all what the previews make it out to be) DiCaprio still comes up short in the facial hair department.

dicaprio1 Leonardo DiCaprios Inability To Grow Facial Hair

We know that great things lie ahead for this actor. But great facial hair? Only time will tell.


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Facial Hair, Somewhat Historial Significance
Jun52009

The Playoff Beard.

It is a spectacle in the sport of hockey. Players letting their facial hair grow out throughout their team’s playoff run. It originated back in the 80s when players did not want to re-open facial wounds during the playoffs, so they just quit shaving. It has evolved to be a timeline of survival. The bigger the beard, the longer that player and his team have advanced closer to Lord Stanley’s Cup.

It’s unfortunate though for those who cannot grow an acceptable playoff beard. Lets take the Penguins’ Sidney Crosby for example. Sure, he is a great player, but this kid cannot grow a beard to save his career. Now compare that to his rival in the cup playoffs, Kris Draper– a seasoned veteran — who puts Crosby’s pubie looking beard to absolute shame. Just take a look at exhibit A below. Draper and the Wings should win the Stanley Cup on beard performance alone.

playoffbeard The Playoff Beard.

The playoff beard doesn’t have to just be used by hockey players during the playoffs. It can be used by anyone for anything. Here is a list of 5 other reasons to grow a playoff beard. (Ladies, this list is not for you. Please don’t grow a beard, that’s not socially acceptable and to be honest, just plain gross.)

  1. You are a “playa” and each time you meet a new girl, you grow your beard to show others how long you have been with her. By growing the beard, it makes her less attracted to you which would eventually lead up to her leaving you. You now do not look like the asshole essentially making you the winner. Shave beard, repeat.
  2. This is quite the opposite of #1. Grow your beard in between times you have sex. If it starts to get too long, then you know its time to go muff hunting. Don’t turn into this or the world will know how pathetic you truly are. Have sex, shave beard, repeat.
  3. When you purchase milk, or anything that has an expiration date, grow your beard. When your beard reaches your belly button, its time to toss out that milk which now talks. Think of your beard as kind of an expiration alarm clock. Buy milk, shave beard, repeat.
  4. Whenever FOX comes out with a new reality TV show, grow your beard until the show 100% will become canceled. Shave beard and repeat for all the retardedness that comes out of that network (With a few exceptions of course).
  5. Buy a hybrid, fill up tank with gas and let your beard grow. Gloat to friends when beard passes your collar saying, “my hybrid gets better gas mileage than your car.” Drive off cliff, die.

So there you have it ladies and gents…the playoff beard.

Grow your own beard here, you pre-pubescent biyatch.


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