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Memos Tagged Shitty Movies


Issues, Movies
May202010

Hollywood, Stop Raping My Childhood

Hollywood has grown increasingly fat and lazy just like George Lucas. I know this is nothing new, since we live in an era of countless sequels, spin offs and remakes. I’ve already succumbed to the fact that about 5 good movies get made a year (if we’re lucky). But, what’s really been pissing me off  is the severe raping of my childhood by Hollywood for ideas for the last half of the decade or so.

It seems their way of thinking is that if something was popular once (i.e. the 1980′s) it is ripe for reinvention and will become popular again. All I know is that they’ve already capitalized on Transformers, G. I. Joe, the A-Team,  Karate Kid, a Voltron movie is in the works, a Thundercats CGI movie was scrapped AND I know i’m missing a shit ton. When does it end? We’re not buying into the “nostalgia” cash in, Hollywood. This is coming from a Captain whose posts are based in nostalgia 75% of the time.

What is unforgivable though is the impending release of a live action/CGI Smurfs movie. Re-read that again. A live action/CGI Smurfs movie. Yup, just like Avatar. Not only that, but it’s planned to be a trilogy.  It gets better though. Katy Perry will star as Smurfette and Hank Azaria as Gargamel. We’ve just sunk to an all new low.

Seriously, What.The.Fuck?

Hank Azaria Gargamel1 Hollywood, Stop Raping My Childhood

What’s next a live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Duck Tales movie? A reboot of Saved By The Bell as a movie? Stop being so fucking pathetic, Hollywood. Grow some balls.


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Random
Mar162010

Random Thoughts Of The Day

Seth Green Random Thoughts Of The Day

I don’t understand how Seth Green can be such a funny guy yet he’s only in really, really shitty movies. Is it because he’s a pseudo ginger?


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Issues, Movies
Nov62009

Forced DVD Borrowing

Let me start off by saying that up until a few years ago I was not a movie guy. I watched on a whole maybe 10 or 12 movies a year. I couldn’t understand how someone could watch 3 movies a weekend, I was just way more into music at the time. To me it always seemed that movies were much more of a personal/time commitment. My perspective has since changed a great deal (although, most of the movies I enjoy pre-date color film).

It just strikes me odd when people try to push a movie or DVD on you. There are about 3 people in the world who understand exactly what I’m into and I trust their recommendations. Some people are convinced because they feel strongly about a movie that it must be universally appealing and they force you to take their dvd home with you. This presents itself with a multitude of problems.

  1. You have to return the DVD in a reasonable amount of time. It’s not like a cd you can listen to on your drive home from work. If you hold onto it for more than a week, things can get awkward.
  2. This goes along with #1 – you have to devote 90-120 minutes of your life and free time to this. Let’s be honest, it fucks up a “true” movie if you watch it in increments spread out over days.
  3. You actually have to watch it. You like dramatic court room dramas and someone lets you borrow Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey, your ass has to watch that shit. Especially because you will be quizzed on it when you return the DVD.

harry and the hendersons dvd2 Forced DVD Borrowing

All I’m asking is for people to ease up on that shit. If someone asks you about a movie and expresses genuine interest, let them borrow it. Don’t force a movie on someone because you deem it as life changing. (FYI, they have a different and most likely better life than you anyway).


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Movies
Sep282009

George Lucas Is Back At It

6a00d8341c630a53ef0105352de97d970c 800wi George Lucas Is Back At It

Straight from the fat asses mouth, the Indiana Jones 5 script is being finished off as I am typing this. I can’t even begin to describe the eternal nausea this makes me feel. If your a reader of our blog you might remember i’ve discussed my hatred for the last movie at length here and again here.

Mr. Lucas you and Mr. Spielberg are nothing but money grubbing whores. Why couldn’t you take a cue from the Seinfeld series and not drag to death a good thing? Go out on a high note, don’t tarnish your well regarded body of work (further).  What could you possibly do with any more money? You can’t buy planets…yet and as far as I know, ours isn’t for sale.

Worse yet,  there is a rumor (and hopefully only a rumor) that Sean Connery is coming out of retirement to play dear old dad once again. While I would enjoy hearing him refer to Indy as “Junior” a trillion times, i’m pretty positive in the Crystal Skull they said he was dead. Please don’t tell me he was actually abducted by Aliens.

Maybe this movie will take place in the 1960′s and Harrison Ford has to beat the shit out of CGI hippies, “Mutt” gets drafted and Marion becomes the world’s ugliest go-go dancer. Oh, and I guarantee they will somehow make Indiana the 2nd shooter on the grassy knoll. For some reason the last movie found it necessary to tie him into every important world event.

Just do the world a favor Lucas and give up.


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Movies
Sep212009

Super Mario Brothers: The Movie

SuperMarioBros TheMovie Super Mario Brothers: The Movie

Does anyone else remember this insect laden steaming pile of feces? When I was a kid, I was a Mario Brothers fanatic. I had not one but two Mario themed birthday parties. So when the movie was released in 1993, I was expecting a magnum opus of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle proportions. What I got was my first taste of Hollywood churning out bullshit to capitalize on market trends.

I honestly don’t know where to start with this movie. Even the poster doesn’t make a lick of sense, that should give you a clue to how shitastic this thing really is. How about the fact that we finally find out Mario and Luigi’s last name. Don’t remember that? I’ll give you a hint. It’s fucking Mario. That’s right, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Seriously. You couldn’t come up with anything better than that Hollywood? That one sounds REAL Italian.

How about the fact that John Leguizamo plays Luigi? When I think of an Italian, he is usually the first person that pops in my mind, well I guess either him or Mr. T. It’s seriously like they didn’t even try. And why on earth would Dennis Hopper sign on to play Bowser? I hope he shot his agent or at least bludgedon him to death after this movie was released.

The plot is useless. Apparentlly, a huge comet hit the earth billions of years ago, which created a parallel universe where all the dinosaurs went and man than evolved from said dinosaurs. Princess Daisy (where the fuck is Princess Toadstool?) gets nabbed while she’s an NYU student digging under the Brooklyn bridge for fossils. Mario and Luigi than have to save her. Oh, and Toad is a southern street performer who chooses to oppose Koopa through non violent protest and sing political anti-Koopa songs.

Really?

What a shit load of fuck. I’m surprised Hollywood hasn’t tried to reboot the series, as the Mario franchise has only become more popular and it’s games have reached a whole new younger audience. Especially given the trend that Hollywood has followed only raping pre-existing ideas from the 80′s and early 90′s. I should have put this one on my list of movies I wish I never saw…


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Movies
Aug142009

Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching – Part II

To continue on with this mini-series, it’s now Captain Yar’s turn…

#5 – Miracle at St. Anna

miracle at st anna Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching Part II

War movies are my favorite genre of film so when Spike Lee decided he would take his movies off the streets and onto the battlefield, I thought this could be pretty good. O how horribly wrong was I. Not only did Lee make this movie longer than the whole Tour de France but it just plain sucked ass. The acting sucked, the fight scenes sucked, even the camera angles sucked. One of the soldiers becomes best friends with a 5 year old Italian boy. Boring. I gotta tell you though, Spike Lee sure knows how to carry over that black stereotype. If it wasn’t for the little bits of black humor, I think this could have easily been further down the list. Well done Mr. Lee, well done.

#4 – Dennis the Menace

mgdm06 Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching Part II

Holy shit did you ever want to punch a 7 year old in the face so bad as you did in this movie? Well besides your own kids, probably not. Granted the movie is called “Dennis the Menace”, you are supposed to like the kid. This Captain does not. Walter Mathau, what the fuck man? You could do better than this steaming pile of fat girl shit. I suppose as you get older, movies become slim pickin’s. Goddamnit I want to kick that kid in the face. The TV show was semi-good because it was a cartoon, the comic strip however is just as awful as the movie. Not funny, corny as shit and you just want to toss the kid into a woodchipper.

#3 – Juno

juno top Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching Part II

Underage sex? Check.
Ugly actors/actresses? Check.
Overacting? Check.
This movie is stupid, plain and simple. Girl gets pregnant by that awkward kid from Superbad and doesn’t know what to do with the baby when it is born. If you didn’t want the baby in the first place well then, let me introduce you to my friends Mr. Lighter and Mrs. Wire Hanger. But since the character was probably too much of a pussy, here is a more practical idea. I want my hour and a half back now.

#2 – Home Alone 3

home alone 3 main1 Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching Part II

Home Alone was awesome. Home Alone 2 wasn’t that bad, probably because the guy who played the clown in IT was in it. So I figured I would go into the third one thinking that it would be alright…wrong. This pisshole of a movie isn’t even remotely related to the first 2, but they still decided to slap the name on it. Some kid outsmarts 4 terrorists looking to capture some microchip. Hey America, there’s your solution to terrorists. Find some 6 year old and send him over to Afghanistan to plant booby traps all over caves to catch Bin Laden. Not only will we successfully capture his ass but it will be effin hilarious to watch. Like Captain Flintheart said, “No movie should have more than one sequel”. This most certainly applies to this series.

#1- Twilight

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Could they make vampires any more queer than in this movie? Granted they are strong and fast as shit but they fucking sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight? That’s just outright absurd. When was the last time you thought of anything badass that sparkles in the sunlight? Well besides this, absolutely nothing. If you think of something, then your trying way too hard. Robert Pattinson, fuck you and your face that looks like it got ran over by a dump truck you vampire pussy.


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Movies
Aug102009

Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

I want to make it clear that this isn’t a list of movies that are generally accepted to be shitty, but movies I wasted my time, energy, and money on. These are four times in my life when my judgment was severely impaired.

#4 – Halloween H20

hallow1lg Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

Before I saw this, I had never seen any movie in the Halloween series. When I asked the people I was going with what it was about their response was, “it’s that movie with Michael Myers”. Not knowing who the fuck Michael Myers was, I assumed they were talking about the comedian Mike Myers. I’ve never been more inaccurate in my life. What I was treated to was one of the worst movies I’d ever seen. No movie should have more than one sequel, two at most (there are some exceptions) but once it gets to the 7th or 8th installment, you know quality control is since long gone.

Good rule of thumb: If LL Cool J is in a movie, it has to be fucking terrible.

#3 – Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace

star wars the phantom menace jar jar binks Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

As excited as I was to see a new Star Wars movie after waiting my entire life, what I was treated to was a steaming bowl of shit. A CGI face fuck, one of the most annoying movie characters ever, a whiny kid and a slow moving plot. Oh, and a pod racing scene that would be cool if I was 8. Easily the best thing about this movie is the inclusion of Liam Neeson.

#2 – Pool Hall Junkies

poolhalljunkiespubf Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

This movie is so bad that I must have mentally blocked out most of what actually happens in the movie because there isn’t much I remember about it. Just the disgusting taste in my mouth every time I speak the title. I recall being at the video rental store in 2003 and my friends couldn’t decide on a movie. My one friend picked this from the shelf and uttered the immortal words, “My cousin saw this on Showtime and said it was really good”. We were all skeptical but tried to validate it by the fact that Christopher Walken was in it. What followed was an hour and a half of the worst acting, story and music I had ever witnessed. Everyone knows the only definitive pool movie is the Hustler with Paul Newman. End of story.

#1 – Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

indiana jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull still shot 450x304 Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

I know I have already discussed this movie. But I am still in disbelief that this film got made 19 years later and how shitty of a movie it was. If Creed fans won a law suit for suing the band because they sucked, why the fuck can’t we sue George Lucas? If this movie came out during the height of the George Bush Administration, we would have had a new torture method to use on Al Qaeda.


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