The NFL season is fast approaching, and even though were barely into august, there’s already plenty of teams that have absolutely no chance to get to the Super Bowl. Such a feat! Let’s run them down:
Buffalo Bills – What a disaster. After being passed up for their coaching vacancy by Jon Gruden, Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher and Marty Schottenheimer, Buffalo owner Ralph Wilson setttled on….Chan Gailey? You bet! Chan Gailey was last seen being fired by the Chiefs (!) before the 2009 season started. They were 24th in DVOA last year, and even though Perry Fewell performed admirably in his 7 games after Dick Jauron got canned, Buffalo cleaned house. Somehow or another they passed up Jimmy Clausen to draft another running back in C.J. Spiller, even though they already roster breakout back Fred Jackson and troubled-but-still-talented Marshawn Lynch. Yikes.
Cleveland Browns – When you go a season with Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn at the helm of the offense, and then dump both of them for an old and decrepid interception machine in Jake Delhomme, you’re already fucked. Sorry, Cleveland! But hey….Josh Cribbs!
Detroit Lions – Is it really necessary for me to summarize in a paragraph why Detroit has no chance at making the Super Bowl, or even the playoffs for that matter? The Lions in 2009 actually managed a lower DVOA than their winless 2008 campaign with a -50.7%. Here’s how bad that is: Buffalo and Cleveland finished the year with a -9.3% and -23.3%, respectively.
Oakland Raiders – As long as Oakland keeps drafting Darius Heyward-Bey over Michael Crabtree, they will never sniff the Super Bowl. JaMarcus Russel was arrested in the off-season for possession of Codeine Syrup (of ‘sipping on some sizzurp’ fame) and promptly released, thus solidifying him as the biggest bust in draft history. The Raiders are a mess, their coach punches out assistants, and when Jason Campbell is an upgrade at quarterback, you might as well just root for someone else, Oakland fans. I’m giving you a free pass this year. Their 2009 DVOA was -32.9%, which makes Detroit look so much worse. To celebrate Oakland’s inability to be a decent franchise anymore, I give you a picture of Al Davis.
St. Louis Rams – Can anyone name a St. Louis Ram other than Steven Jackson? Sam Bradford doesn’t count and Marc Bulger and Torry Holt are gone…that’s what I thought. 2009 was the third year in a row the Rams put up a win total that was lower than the year before. How many wins did the Rams have in 2007, you ask? THREE! Since 2007, they have fewer wins than Detroit, and the Lions went a WHOLE FUCKING SEASON without winning a football game.
Interestingly enough, these are probably the 5 sorriest franchises in the NFL right now. Even luck can’t fix that. At least Cleveland can talk itself into Mike Holmgren, and St. Louis into the Sam Bradford-era.