Here at TCM we are determined to make each of your lives a little better. Even if that means throwing your ass in the boo-box. If it worked for Captain Flintheart, it can work for you. But that’s not why we are here today. We originally brought you The Captain’s Guide to Concert-Going which explained how you should dress, behave before, during and after the show. Hopefully you all took our advice. Shame on you if you didn’t.

We now bring you The Captain’s Guide to Beach-Going. It’s the summer months, and for those who are lucky enough to get to the beach, this guide is for you. Everyone else, your gonna have to wait until we come out with The Captain’s Guide to Being A Boring Ass I Live In The Middle of Nowhere. Anyways, read and listen to this guide, it could save you years on your constitution.

Dress

This is a vital part of beach going. If you over-do it, your day could be ruined, same applies for under-doing it. This has to be just right.

• Fat people women, DO NOT wear bikini’s. No one wants to see your belly hang further down than your moose knuckle.
• Don’t show up to the beach in jeans and sneakers. You just look like a fool. And no, taking your shirt off doesn’t make it ok.
• Guys, the reason Speedo’s were invented was for competition swimming. They are not for lounging with your legs spread eagle. Being old or non-American is no excuse, your junk is still hairy and ugly.
• Girls if you are hot (you all know it too) then showing as much skin as possible is extremely acceptable. The less clothing you wear, the better.
• Families, if you bring your kids to the beach and they still wear diapers, invest in waterproof ones. There is nothing worse than seeing a toddler running around the beach looking like he just took a shit the size of an elephant in his diaper.
• Again with the children, childhood obesity, personally, is hilarious. But do us all a favor, cover up the kiddies titties. We certainly do not need to see them.

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