Well, if there is one thing we know about Asians, it’s that they sure do love video games. Remember when that kid beat Mario 3 in under ten minutes? Well here’s a new one…watch this kid beat box music from random Super Mario Games and levels.
Asians…is there anything they can’t do?
Thank to Illz (of Choose Your Own Adventure fame) for sending this our way.
There’s really not too much to say here. This from an actual Nintendo Power (remember that magazine?) that this cool guy with the sweet mustache wrote into in the 1980′s. I snagged it from the amazing SeanBaby website. You can read more of his mustachioed misadventures here where the webmaster of SeanBaby found his address and began corresponding with him…
Thank you to “Crazy” Tom for showing me this gem way back in the 90′s
If you can’t tell by now, I like retro video games. Last night I saw something disturbing that I had never seen before. I popped in Mario All Stars for the Super Nintendo. This is the game that includes, Mario 1, Mario Lost Levels, Mario 2 and the ever popular Mario 3 with fully enhanced 16 bit graphics.
I gave Mario 3 a spin and happened to be playing with someone else which necessitated me having to be Luigi. When it cut to Luigi getting to choose which level he wanted to dominate, I stumbled upon something disturbing.
Could I be seeing things? Does Luigi share an uncanny likeness to Mr. Adolph Hitler? Surely if anyone knows the horror of WWII, Japan would be up there. This just begs the unfathomable question, why? He never looked Hitleresque in any other Mario games. Those 16 bits really seemed to help characterize his Jew hating mustache.
Does anyone else remember this insect laden steaming pile of feces? When I was a kid, I was a Mario Brothers fanatic. I had not one but two Mario themed birthday parties. So when the movie was released in 1993, I was expecting a magnum opus of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle proportions. What I got was my first taste of Hollywood churning out bullshit to capitalize on market trends.
I honestly don’t know where to start with this movie. Even the poster doesn’t make a lick of sense, that should give you a clue to how shitastic this thing really is. How about the fact that we finally find out Mario and Luigi’s last name. Don’t remember that? I’ll give you a hint. It’s fucking Mario. That’s right, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. Seriously. You couldn’t come up with anything better than that Hollywood? That one sounds REAL Italian.
How about the fact that John Leguizamo plays Luigi? When I think of an Italian, he is usually the first person that pops in my mind, well I guess either him or Mr. T. It’s seriously like they didn’t even try. And why on earth would Dennis Hopper sign on to play Bowser? I hope he shot his agent or at least bludgedon him to death after this movie was released.
The plot is useless. Apparentlly, a huge comet hit the earth billions of years ago, which created a parallel universe where all the dinosaurs went and man than evolved from said dinosaurs. Princess Daisy (where the fuck is Princess Toadstool?) gets nabbed while she’s an NYU student digging under the Brooklyn bridge for fossils. Mario and Luigi than have to save her. Oh, and Toad is a southern street performer who chooses to oppose Koopa through non violent protest and sing political anti-Koopa songs.
Really?
What a shit load of fuck. I’m surprised Hollywood hasn’t tried to reboot the series, as the Mario franchise has only become more popular and it’s games have reached a whole new younger audience. Especially given the trend that Hollywood has followed only raping pre-existing ideas from the 80′s and early 90′s. I should have put this one on my list of movies I wish I never saw…
This may seem old and irrelevant, but who the fuck cares? If you have seen my other posts you will know I have a soft spot for retro-ness. I am also more than qualified to do this review – the newest gaming system I have ever owned was a PlayStation 1 and I barely played the piece of shit. TCM readers were also polled and certain games that continually showed up on everyone’s list made the final cut.
#10 – Ice Hockey
Generic title, classic game. You get to pick 3 team members, skinny fast guy, medium guy and huge slow guy. There’s an array of countries (Canada clearly trumping all competition), the ability to start brawls with the other team and to constantly commit “icing”. It’s an easy game to pick up and endless hours of fun.
- Mario 3 beaten in a time that’s longer than sex with Captain Yar? Check
- Crazy Japanese gamer who must have spent years and his entire social life practicing? Check
- The most disturbing/profound video of someone raping a Nintendo game? CHECK
Nintendo Cereal System, remember this? Of course you don’t! I think it was on the market less time than Pamela Anderson’s vagina. All it really was is one giant commercial for two Nintendo games and geniusly packaged as two different kinds of cereal in one box, separated by bags. And get a load of the name, Nintendo Cereal System….it sounds so incredibly dyslexic, I guess I get what they were going for but seriously what the hell were they thinking?
One of the biggest draws, I suppose was that it gave you useless gameplay tips. I ate this cereal once and the tip was for Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link. It said something along the lines of “when you receive the up-thrust (that’s really what it was called) press “Up” and “B” to execute. What a lousy fucking tip. The Nintendo controller has two God damn buttons; it would have taken you 2.7 seconds to figure out. Check out the hand drawn pictures on the cover too. If Nintendo owned the rights to the games and its likeness why would they pay someone to draw it? And draw it so utterly fucking poor as well.
Ahhh..yes than of course we have Spiderman cereal. I feel like this one may be a little more familiar to people but maybe not. I’m only writing about it because it’s so delicious. Picture Chex cereal without the dual sides AND marshmallows. It might even be my favorite cereal of all time. Fuck it, I’m going to E-Bay that shit right now and see if I’ll be able to brighten my mornings and gladly risk death for a week.
Ever wonder why Super Mario 2 on the N.E.S. looks like Mario 1 on a bad acid trip? Where the fuck is Bowser? Why can you play as Toad? How can Princess fly for such long distances with so few upskirts? Why the fuck do you have to defeat ostrich like creatures who shoot “eggs” from their mouths and their stomach is the key to opening a door that is a giant bird beak?
There is a loose theory tossed around by children of the 1980’s that the second installment of many early Nintendo game series were particularly made to be weird and different. This theory almost rests solely on the likes of Mario 2, Castlevania 2: Simon’s Quest and Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link (this theory even stretches to 80’s cinema and the 2nd Indiana Jones film, The Temple of Doom). While, the Zelda and Castlevania games may have been trying deliberately to give video gamers a new experience, Mario 2 is a completely different story.
In 1986, Mario 2 was released in Japan in a very different way. The set up and graphics were the exact same as Mario 1, but the levels were rearranged and made to be much more challenging (i.e. there are mushrooms that can KILL you as opposed to make you giant Mario). This game has since been released to America in the mid 90’s as the “The Lost Levels” on Mario Allstars for the Super N.E.S. America originally feared the game would be too difficult and too similar for its audience. So another more “reasonable” game was asked to be commissioned.
A Japanese game called, Dream Factory: Doki, Doki, about a family trapped inside an Arabian themed story book was more or less altered to become a Mario game. The father was changed into Toad, the mother into Luigi (seriously), and the two kids became Mario and Princess respectively. Other slight alterations were made to thread a minute amount of Mario consistency. Much of Doki Doki’s original vision remained which explains the absence of Goombas and turtles and the additions of Shyguys, weird star fish ninjas, flying carpets, Potions and a giant frog who can’t eat vegetables or he dies.
How did America explain this strange phenomenon? The same way J.R. got shot, it was all just a crazy dream Mario had (certainly drug induced amongst many other things).
-P.S. Whoever told me when I was a kid that if you keep the game on long enough, at the end Mario actually wakes up from his dream. Apparently, 2 days straight still isn’t long enough. Thank you for running up my parent’s electricity bill and getting me grounded. I owe you.
