Yes folks, Conan O’Brien will be back on television at the end of this year. Not on Fox, ABC or any network station. O’Brien is moving to cable…on TBS. Crazy old Ted Turner did a smart thing here by signing O’Brien and his Masturbating Bear. Senor George Lopez now occupies a spot at 11pm on that station but will be pushed back to 12pm to make way for the Great White Irishman.
Welcome back white boy. Only good things can come out of this.
TCM is unveiling a new feature where we will highlight a particular Captain every month and sing his praises and shower (of the golden variety) him with loving admiration. It was a hard task to narrow down our first candidate, but when push came to shove we had to give it to Captain Planet. Our decision was based solely on the fact that he was a tireless crusader against pollution and he easily has the sweetest green mullet this world has ever seen.
There was always so much about the show that I never understood. Why did the bad guys always want to pollute the planet they lived on? Why didn’t the Planeteers just keep the Captain around all the time? He could just eliminate the evil doers all at once instead of a case by case basis. How did Captain Planet’s hair get like that? Did he fall into the same vat of acid the Joker did? Is Skeeter Valentine his illegitimate son? Why didn’t he ever team up with the Toxic Avengers?
As a kid I always thought the blonde Planeteer had a sexy accent. I also secretly suspected the American guy, was based on Kirk Cameron (of Growing Pains Fame). I felt bad for that little douche that got the “Heart” ring. He definitely got fucked over, easily getting the pussiest ring and powers. I mean Earth, Wind, Fire, Water and HEART? Come on!
From the bottom of our own hearts at TCM, we’d like to thank Captain Planet for both his heroic and humanitarian efforts to keep Earth clean for the next generation. As well as not being afraid to bring the archetypal mullet into the 1990’s. This makes him both a true pioneer and worthy of his Captain of the Month Status.
No Captain Planet, “The Power is YOURS”
Well apparently for all those lonely nights, all you have to do is turn on the television.
Personally, I think the cure for loneliness is drinking. When you drink you are never alone.
I will take a quote from the always hilarious Dave Attell:
Here’s a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there’s someone right behind you.
Sorry folks, slow morning here at TCM. Expect more insanity later on but for now, here is the real story.
