Top 10 College Foods

Since all of you recent high school grads are enjoying your summer, I figured TCM should be some sort of assistance to you before you head off to your college of choice. No, we aren’t going to tell you how to get laid (although I hear roofies does the trick) nor how to succeed in your classes (cheat!!). We are here to tell you what to eat besides dining hall food and Dominoes. Commence the Top 10 College Foods!!!

#10 – Any Sort of Roni

Pasta Roni, Rice-a-Roni, Poop-a-Roni, it’s all there and it’s what you should be eating. This is the food that makes you feel like you accomplished something. The Rice-a-Roni takes some effort but when you are complete, you will walk out to your roof and let the world know it’s the San Francisco Treat. Then you will probably be shot.

#9 – Grilled Cheese

Grilled cheese is a simple yet effective food. Some bread, cheese and butter goes a long way with this golden sandwich. How you make it is up to you. You could use the old fashioned stove method, the George Foreman method (You and George will become best friends by the time you graduate) or between your fat roomates thighs. There is so much friction generated when he/she walks that it gets hot between there…like really hot. Hot enough to make a grilled cheese? You bet ya. “And for every one that is made between their thighs, you are getting a little piece of their love.” Actual quote by Captain Polish aka The Expert Thighed Cheese Maker.

#8 – FREE Bar food

There is a reason I capitalized FREE for #8. Let’s face it, you are gonna be mega poor during college. TCM though has 2 ways to help you retain some cash. 1, Don’t buy text books. For the 10 that your Biology 101 class tells you to get, you will NEVER use one. And 2, go to bars and eat their free food. If you are lucky, you will have a bar in town that will have a free buffet as long as you are buying drinks. The reason this is so high up on the list is because not every school is lucky enough to have a bar that will divvy out free food. If that is the case than be sure to over-indulge in the bar nuts, pretzels and/or popcorn, you will not regret it.

#7 – Peanut Butter & Jelly

PB&J was created back before Jesus ever walked his dirty ass on this earth. It was actually thought up by the dinosaurs. Yes, the dinosaurs. You see peanut butter is not just peanuts. It is mixed in with super finely crushed dino fossils after being walked on by so many dinosaurs. Jelly is Pterodactyl shit…plain and simple. You mix the 2 together, you have an amazing creation that Michelangelo himself couldn’t believe what he was eating. He was actually quoted with saying “Goddamn, I ain’t got shit on PB&J.”

#6 – Ellios Pizza

Next to #1, this is my personal favorite food on this list. In my freezer I have a 27 pack just waiting to be demolished. The most popular is cheese and rightfully so. How you like your Ellios made is totally up to you. Some like it “rare” or well done…to each is own. But one thing we can all agree on. It is still friggen hilarious when you hit a pedestrian at 55mph with a fresh cheesy Ellios right out of the toaster oven. Well it is a little sad wasting an Ellios like that, but the pros definitely out weight the cons on this one.

#5 – Your Roommates Food

You live 300 miles away from home. Your roommate lives 20 minutes from home. What do you do when they are gone each weekend? Eat the shit out of their food. That dumbass is stupid enough to leave a college campus on a weekend which gives you full right to search and destroy his food stash. If you both live equidistant (A college word!) then you will have to either sign a truce in the beginning of the year not to eat each other’s food without notice or wage a full out war. If you are smart, you will do neither but rather kill your roommate and constantly write home to their family posing as them asking for food while still receiving your own food. It is an absolute win, win situation.

#4 – Frozen French Fries

When it comes to frozen french fries it doesn’t really matter what brand you buy they will all still be frozen french fries. This one is mainly for people who have an oven/toaster oven. Microwaves will not cut it for this one…same goes for Ellios pizza. Nothing is worse than soggy as french fries. Well the clap is worse for one…but that’s not what were are here to talk about. Just be sure to not get too stoned when cooking these bad boys. They will take a lot longer to cook if you don’t turn the oven on.

#3 – Hot Pockets

Whoever invented Hot Pockets deserves a Medal of Honor or an Emmy or something along those lines. It is a pocket sandwich filled with stuff only Gods can think of. Stuff like BBQ Chicken, Cheeseburger or my personal favorite, BBQ Stem Cell. I feel like a new person after I eat that. And apparently they have different kinds of Hot Pockets like Subs and Panini’s. Why didn’t Mr. Hot Pocket run for president, I know I would have voted for him.

#2 – Ramen Noodles

If you have never had Ramen noodles before then I suggest you head right over to your couch, find 69 cents and head to the nearest 7/11 or convenience store and purchase yourself a package of Ramen noodles. The best thing about these delights is that it is nearly idiot proof to make. You boil water, put in the noodles and seasoning then eat. If you somehow can fuck that up then there is a reason you are in Community College.

TCM suggestion: Mix the cajun and chicken flavor together for a life altering experience.

#1 – Beer

Boys and girls, this will ultimately be your main choice of food up at school. Come on, you mean to tell me you have never heard of liquid breakfast/lunch/dinner before? And you will get drunker quicker on an empty stomach, it’s just plain science to know that. Just think about this for a second, you are in the food market and you have a crisp clean $5 bill (I’ll tell you, you won’t see many of those throughout your college years) and you have 2 choices: beer or bread. You can get a 12er of Pabst Blue Ribbon for $4.99 or a loaf of bread for around $3 leaving you with some change left over for a condom (Ha! Like you’ll ever use that). 100% of you will chose the beer because fuck, it’s beer, and you love it which is why it is #1.

Honorable Mentions: Velveeta & Mac and Cheese