So summer is officially upon us. What better thing to do than going outside and doing stuff in this glorious, glorious weather. O wait, I know…going outside and doing stuff in this glorious, glorious weather, naked. You must be thinking, “Yar…your fucking crazy”. I say, “Yes, yes I am”.
So if any of you hooligans decide to do naked stuff this summer, take this list into account. It could save your goddamn life.
#10 – Attend a BBQ naked
When you think of summer, one of the activities you think of are going to BBQ’s. They are good times. Beer, good food, friends, games, all good fun. Next time you get invited to a BBQ why don’t you spice things up a bit. Show up naked. Not only will you surprise the shit out of the guests, but you for sure will be the talk of the party. “Hey, can you hand me a wiener…well done.”
#9 – Show up at a car show…without your clothes
Let me get this out of the way, if your not gonna do one of these 10, this would be the one. Your asking then why did I put this on the list? This one is more for the ladies. There is nothing wrong with a hot naked woman laying out on the hood of your car. It should be a new selling tactic in car dealerships worldwide. I’m pretty sure you would have a better chance selling me a Honda Fit with a hot nude woman on the hood then there being a bunch of balloons and a big sticker that says GREAT GAS MILEAGE. Anyways…Guys listen, nothing says get the fuck away from my 1965 Shelby Cobra faster than you trying to sit your sweaty, hairy, pimply bare ass in their drivers seat. And don’t even think of sticking your dick in the tailpipe. You might as well just kill yourself before you show up.
#8 – Have a water gun fight naked
Water gun fights were an extremely fun activity when you were young. Especially when done indoors at an old folks home and instead of water you are using paint thinner, but that’s neither here nor there. Who says you can’t still partake in this activity? No one. Who says you can’t partake in this activity naked? The police. Be sure if you do do this naked that it is with other adults and no one under the age of 14. I highly doubt you want to be explaining to your new cellmates Ray Ray and Big Steve that you were arrested for having a water gun fight in the nude with 12 year olds.
#7 – Go in a pool naked
Good ol’ skinny dipping. If you haven’t done it yet, then you should get the fuck on your naked horse and do so. It is semi-liberating. I say semi because it can be done in the privacy of your own backyard where no one is truly watching except your neighbor who last year won the “Creepiest Neighbor on the Block Award”. And if you were wondering, yes the award is shaped like a pair of binoculars dipped in gold.
Nothing feels better than the nice cool refreshing water up against your junk. Now if you skinny dip in a public pool, that is ballsy shit. Though I highly suggest you go to the doctor afterwards to get checked for the seven different kinds of gonorrhea you will most likely contract. Hey, 10 extra points if you pool hop in the nude. Just watch out for those rusty chain link fences.
#6 – Play an outdoor game naked
Outdoor games are common place come summer time. There is an endless amount. We have cornhole, wiffle ball, horse shoes and any other game involving things you throw. I think it would be funny if you showed up to a cornhole match naked. Only because your butthole’s nickname is a cornhole. You know cause when you eat corn, it comes out in your poop. So your butthole becomes a cornhole. Get it!? Nah, me neither.
Playing wiffle ball? It would be a great distraction to the other team if you were (guys/hermaphrodites) to place down the wiffle ball bat and try and hit the ball with your peener. Haha, good fun…good fun indeed.
#5 – Go to a beach bar in your birthday suit
Getting drunk naked outside is one of my favorite past times. So throw a bar into that mix and you have yourself a grand ol’ time. Make that a beach bar and you have a sandy, grand ol’ time. But that’s to say you can even get into the bar. Scenario: A naked “in shape” man and a “extremely good looking” woman walk up to a beach bar, who get’s in? Correct, the midget who’s hands they were holding. Nothing says party like a drunk naked midget equipped with throwing handles. Honestly though if there were no midget, the woman would get in more likely than a man. It’s just how it is. Hey naked drunk guy, there is always the bathroom window you can crawl into. Watch out though, it is right over the one toilet that doesn’t flush.
#4 – Skydive naked
I personally have never been skydiving but hear it is a hoot. Apparently the first couple of times you go, you need to be strapped to the instructor so you don’t jump then forget to open your parachute because you are shouting at how awesome it is and then go splat like Wile E. Coyote. Safety first people. I don’t know if you have seen images/videos of people skydiving naked but they are out there. There is nothing weirder looking than a pair of boobs during a naked skydive session. I can only imagine though how it feels on the dive down, probably pretty exhilarating. Wind hitting your parts at high speeds can feel good maybe? I don’t know, but it must be fucking weird as shit to do a dive naked while attached to your instructor.
#3 – Open a fire hydrant in the nude
Firstly, this is illegal but since you are already naked your probably not giving a shit. So your traveling through the hood on an extremely hot and humid day. Not many people have pools and the ones who do have Beastman AIDS growing in them. All of the kids are hot as shit and don’t know what to do. The public pool is condemned and fans are just not cutting it. Enter your naked ass. You walk up to a fire hydrant in all of your naked glory welding an oversize wrench. You open up that hydrant and all the kids come running over to the water. They cheer and all look up to you like Santa Claus…a big naked Santa Claus. Then you realize that the “older brothers” see you and start to be like, “Hey that mother fucker is naked up in our shit…let’s kill that bitch”. So you run, but not before cleansing your butthole on the powerful stream of water coming from the hydrant…You all knew I couldn’t let that one go by without mentioning it.
#2 – Go to a nude beach
If you are lucky enough to be in distance of a nude beach, then hit that shit up. Why wouldn’t you want to go to a nude beach? Is it because your scared of other people seeing you naked or is it because of the high probability of there being old man balls there? I am assuming old man balls. But if you are into that shit, dive in.
This and #7 are probably the most realistic for you to do this summer. Piece of advice: Men, as soon as you show up be sure to dig yourself a “boner hole” in case the event of you getting a boner. Lay stomach down and wait for the storm to pass. Another piece of advice: The best thing to bring to a nude beach is not sun screen but sunglasses and/or binoculars. Since pretty much all of our readers are either fat, ugly or too smelly you are going to need to binoculars to see the closest naked person to you. Go ahead and stare, isn’t that the reason you showed up to the nude beach in the first place?
So what are you all waiting for? Get to your nearest local nude beach. Come on, who doesn’t enjoy old man balls, digging themselves a boner hole and creeping the shit out of the people next to you? I don’t know about you all but I know for a fact that Captain Polish certainly enjoys himself a day at the beach.
#1 – Get laid…anywhere
Hopefully for your sake, you are doing this naked. None of that sticking your dick through your pants’ pee hole. That just won’t fly. This by far is the number 1 thing to do naked. It’s summer, a time for people to fuck then forget. The heat makes people act differently. Yea, it also helps having a healthy serving of alcohol too. So by now if you have done all of the above naked and haven’t gotten laid yet then you are either extremely ugly, got arrested for doing the above naked or you have absolutely no game. For those who are lucky enough to do this deed, there are many places to do it during the summer. The beach, in the pool, in the backyard, backstage during a wet t-shirt contest…anywhere. It is up to you to be unique and naked.
Let me say that having sex with clothes on is like talking to your dad on the phone through a looking glass window at the State Penitentiary. He’s there and your enjoying your time with him but your not getting the full experience because he is behind the glass, in jail, for stabbing that cab driver because he wouldn’t let your dad take a dump out of his passenger window when he was drunk. Yea…something like that.