Top 10 Nintendo Games

This may seem old and irrelevant, but who the fuck cares? If you have seen my other posts you will know I have a soft spot for retro-ness. I am also more than qualified to do this review – the newest gaming system I have ever owned was a PlayStation 1 and I barely played the piece of shit. TCM readers were also polled and certain games that continually showed up on everyone’s list made the final cut.

#10 – Ice Hockey

Generic title, classic game. You get to pick 3 team members, skinny fast guy, medium guy and huge slow guy. There’s an array of countries (Canada clearly trumping all competition), the ability to start brawls with the other team and to constantly commit “icing”. It’s an easy game to pick up and endless hours of fun.

#9 – Final Fantasy

The granddaddy of all RPG games. Other RPG games existed prior to this one, but FF1 allowed you to control 4 people “at once”. This is probably the most in depth game on the Nintendo with an equally epic story line. (Nerd Alert: I never understood why anyone would pick a white mage, they are beyond pussies. No attack power and only spells that heal. Why wouldn’t you pick a red mage? They can cast the healing spells that white mages can and the harmful ones black mages can).

#8 – Excite Bike

Besides the fact that your fucking bike overheats if you try to go relatively fast, this is a bad ass game. Let’s be serious, the big draw for this game is you can design your own track, put as much ridiculous shit as you want, than race it.

#7 – Tecmo Super Bowl

Perhaps the greatest sports game ever made for Nintendo? With so many “incredible” plays and moves how could this be beat? Equipped with a team so crushing it inspired 1000′s of people to have a no Raiders rule because of Bo Jackson’s sheer awesomeness (closely mirroring the Raiders’ 1990 season). The game even has a cut video of cheerleaders where you can see some panty action. I ask you, what could possibly be better?

#6 – Mike Tyson’s Punch Out

How many other video games do you know where the namesake is a convicted rapist? (No, Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker doesn’t count). You get to see Tyson’s ugly mug every time you turn the game on and cameo’s from Mario and the The Office’s Stanley Hudson as Little Mac’s trainer. A classic game full of ethnic stereotypes and great game play. Simple in concept, but never boring.

#5 – Megman 3

All of the Megaman games on Nintendo are great so it was hard narrowing it down to just one. Megaman 3 is one of the best side scrollers that Nintendo had to offer at the time. It introduces Rush the dog as Megaman’s companion and that annoying fucking whistle every time you see Proto Man. There’s even an enemy called Hard Man, do I really need to say any more?

#4 – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Arcade Game

After the first Turtles game for Nintendo sucking major ass, they needed to rebound hard. What we got was this glorious game ported from the arcade. A 2 player beat ‘em up where you destroy everything that moves. Let me tell you, there is nothing more satisfying than kicking the shit out of foot soldiers, owning Shredder and saving Splinter.

It also gave us the immortal line “tonight we dine on turtle soup”.

#3 – Contra

That’s right, fucking Contra. You knew it was coming. 2 dudes with no shirts in the jungle shooting everything that moves. This game has easily the most famous video game code of all time, making the game beatable in about 25 minutes. It’s impossible without it. I can’t get past the 5th level (the snow one) sans code. Tell me you can do better…just tell me.

#2 – Zelda

I was told be a few people that this an overrated game. Fuck you! It comes in a gold cartridge for Christ’s sake. This is a classic, it’s the first overhead game I (and most people) had ever played and it’s the best one on the system. It’s challenging while giving you freedom and unconfined space to explore. The key though is its controlled freedom – the world is not infinitely large and confusing. Plus, it came with a map and if you beat it you can play a completely different game in a rearranged world that is much more challenging. 2 great games in one and a thousand other precedents for Nintendo for years to come is exactly what puts this game at #2 on our list.

#1 – Mario 3

Are you really surprised? This is the game that raped the minds and free time of an entire generation. It’s everything a game should be. It’s a complete update/make over of Mario 1 using the most cutting edge graphics for its time. If you play the game straight through it’s long and involved or if you want you can jump all around. Apparently, if you practice long enough it can be beaten it in ten minutes.  Difficulty varies from incredibly easy to challenging (some of those boards in the pipe world are a bitch). You get a shitload of new abilities/suits and one even allows Mario to fly. A fucking plumber flying all over your shitty pipes. Needless to say, this game blew away all the other games on the console and helped to close the final chapter of the original Nintendo era and usher in the super Nintendo.